It had been 7 years of being married and still no you. All was done that one would do to naturally produce, but still…no you. I prayed every prayer I could possibly pray. But could it be that God was just not hearing the words or caring about the tears? So I gave up. I told myself that I should not believe. I should not want. I should not dream. I should not hope. I should not think that if after all this time, God would have a change of mind. It’s obvious, I felt, that somehow this was my punishment. Punishment for what exactly? I cannot say. There isn’t a sin so large that I could have done that could have caused me to be an unfruitful one.
Micha’el was cursed for laughing at David as he danced before the Lord with all of his might. Rachael was cursed and seemingly Elizabeth too. Sarai/Sarah and Hannah and…me. But like some of these women, I gave my heart to God. No I was not perfect. No, I know I wasn’t. So, I looked at some of them and thought to myself – Could it be possible that I’ll birth a prominent voice? Maybe the hold up is because the world isn’t ready and there’s a strategic timing for the great revealing.
Oh yes, I encouraged myself and had lofty thoughts. That is…when I wasn’t angry . You see, there were reports of people killing their gifts. Some call it abortion. Some were reckless to say the least. Like a body builder who focused more on vanity causing her to kill her gift by way of crunch overload. Yeah, go figure. I knew the scriptures said to fret not myself because of evil doers, but I couldn’t help but think of the ones who threw their gifts in the garbage. Some of those young lives were found alive and others not. I would never do such a thing, nor would I have you born addicted to alcohol and/or drugs. No disease was being passed on that would cause you to start your life in more turbulence than necessary, considering the world that laid in waiting.
I felt like a mad woman. Up and down but having to appear to have it all together before people. Oh, people! That’s a story all in itself. Everybody had something to say. Some needed a slap and some had good intentions. Some were overbearing and others were indifferent. But there were two people that deserve much thanks. First there was Auntie Kee who had the ability to see you and see our trying to just close the door on the issue too. The second person is Pastor Vega. While at a women’s meeting some books were being given away and I did not attempt to get one. So later while enjoying the luncheon, he came to me and asked if I received a book. I had not. So he gave me one. When I opened the wrapping paper, I was conflicted. I’m literally getting choked up as I’m saying this, so much so that I can barely swallow.
As I read the title to myself I didn’t know if I would be able to hold myself together and was partly bothered that God would nearly expose me like this before so many. What would people think if a grown woman began bawling uncontrollably for no apparent reason? I wanted to excuse myself, but didn’t know if I would make it to the bathroom; rather would my movement activate my emotions like a person with riding sickness in the back of a yellow school bus. So I sat there still. Very still. Can’t look up. Can’t make eye contact. Can’t talk and engage in conversation, because I don’t know what would come out if I opened my mouth. I fought with myself big time to hold it together. And you best believe that hold it together was what I did.
Later that night, at home, I sat on the bed looking at the book. I was almost frightened to open it. Uggh, I am so trying not to cry right now. You see, having you and at least four more like you was more important than a major career, than a car, than the world. I have never wanted anything so much. I didn’t want for knowing God, because I encountered His love around the age of 8 and…………………………………………………………………sobbing…………………………………………..
I don’t know if my crying is just as a result of me recanting it all
or that I sit betwixt the point of denial and desire again,
of wanting a child.
Do I deny what’s being denied me?
Do I continue to believe that another blessing would be granted?
So anyway, I didn’t want for marriage because daddy and I married at 22. Some thought that was too young. LOL [in the voice of Cephus and Reesie from In Living Color] “And we’re still together.” LOL.
So there I was on the bed, holding this book that Pastor Vega gave me, in astonishment–and a whole lot of other emotions. The title read, “The Power of A Praying Parent.” This somewhat confused me, because I was not a parent–or so I thought. Deciding to open it, I was immediately pressed within to acknowledge the fact that I was a godparent, of about a dozen kids (no lie). It was shared with my heart to pray for each of them as though I birthed them myself. And so I did. I read the book, slowly-hesitantly-cautiously-somewhat unwillingly, and with each prayer, applied my heart to all of the children that were in my life.
Then came you.
I was working hard and feeling tired but didn’t know why. A co-worker asked me the weirdest question………whew, water works. She asked if I had my time-of-the-month. This was not something I talked about with others, male or female. I was taught that as a lady some things one ought to be discreet about. Knowing that she had no intention of engaging in wild jokes and reckless banter, she being a woman of couth herself, I considered her words and checked my calendar. I went to the bathroom and saw nothing there that would ordinarily make me weak. I did a count of days and weeks and…Ohhh. Ohhh? Maybe…, ohhh. Hmmm. So, as I have done before, I took a test. The test read negative to me. Strangely enough, your father was not convinced it was negative. He told me to do it again. I said no, because I was tired of negative reports. He said it again, more stern (I was like, Excuse Me).
Your father. I did not tell you much about him throughout all of this. In part, I think he should share his own words with you. Nevertheless, I will tell you that he was involved. He was involved in the praying. He was involved in the waiting. He was involved in the hoping. He was involved in the moping. He was involved in the smiles and he was involved in the tears. And somehow when it came time for you, he was involved with a level of confident faith that I had grown weary in. I didn’t tell you of another book, that impacted my life. Your father was involved in this part too. He did not read the Power of A Praying Parent, or at least I do not think so. But he did read “Supernatural Childbirth” by Jackie Mize. Why he read one and not the other? Yo no se. But I do know that, unlike the first, this book showed the man owning his faith and even moreso than the woman had. She had convinced herself of the negative (that she could not have any children) and he challenged her to elevate her thinking. I thought I had more faith than your father, and maybe in some instances I do. But your father had reached a place of no return and would challenge me to come up higher too.
After taking the test again, I threw it in the trash. [Whoa! I had a major flashback moment, that I have never had before. A flashback to something I said earlier. Wow. Lord please forgive me and help my unbelief.] Uggh, tear-jerker. Then your father rushes into the house like he was late for an appointment with destiny, and asks me for the test. Upon my response he goes into the trash and retrieves it and puts it into his pocket. He tells me to make an appointment first thing in the morning with my doctor; I’m looking at him like he done lost his mind.
The next day we’re at the doctor’s office and he’s walking with the test stick in his pocket. [Can somebody say, Proud father/daddy.] He shows it to the nurse who wants to know why I’m acting like it ain’t what it is. I’m sitting there looking at everybody like they done flipped their wig. The test was negative. It had always read negative. I know the difference between one line and two. I know the difference between a plus and a minus. I know how to read and I know what I saw. I know up from down and I did Not know…I was sooo wrong. So out of procedure, the nurse has me take another test there. The results came back positive. As emotional as I am, could nearly cry at the drop of a hat, I had no big emotions–devoid of all jubilance and glee. I had no idea how bad things have become, in me. The words I so longed to hear were finally spoken but I could do no more than smile and wait for further instruction.
Well, I go on, business as usual. Not! Although I’m changing physically as a result of you here, there still is no great anticipation for the life of motherhood; almost as if I don’t want to get my hopes up. Wow, this recollection is a doozy! Not like you haven’t done so already, but you immediately begin impacting my life. I look different. I have to think different. My acceptance of things is different. My demeanor was sweeter than it’s been in a while. I was a junkie before but you’re not allowing it now. No cookies. No cake. No candy. No chips. Not even juice unless it was first diluted. I cook and put aside the bowl of vegetables. Before the rest of the food is done, I crave the taste of veggies and it hits me –
I’m eating more than I have before, but not out of greed. You’re hungry. I’ve never been a big eater. Now I’m eating about 8 times/day. The difference is there’s no junk food and some of those meals are nothing but a salad.
I’m tired, yet I’m energetic. Still able to work and drive and starting to really feel alive. The thought of it all is really exciting but the feeling that my husband showed in rushing through the doors and in carrying a urinated stick in his pocket with joy…is still not there. But…
We’re about 7-8 months in and I realize that I haven’t felt you move in a couple of days. My thoughts have been on other things–negatives of life–and I’ve been in somewhat of a rut. Crying a lot. Now the thought of you not being lively is not a thought I want to add to my emotions. I’m watching t.v. Pastor Sheryl Brady is speaking. Then all of a sudden I felt a kicking. There it is again. As the words are being released from this woman of God’s mouth [wow, that just sparked a thought], my baby is responding in acceptance and with cheer.
[moving fwd] Well it’s Friday, about 3am. I can’t sleep. I keep thinking I have to use the bathroom, but when I go, nothing happens. I’m back and forth between there and my bed. I have to go to work so being able to sleep would be nice. I just saw my doctor a few days ago and she assured me that all is well with my pregnancy. She was set for vacation and so she said she will see me next month when you were due. So why am I having all these uncomfortable feelings. I call daddy about 7am and he says to wait till about 8:30 and call my doctor. The office tells me to come in. Your grandfather, daddy’s dad, drives me there and daddy meets me there.
The doctor sees me and wants to know what I’m doing back at her office. I explain to her my feelings and she checks me out. Uggh, there go the teary eyes again. She pauses and looks at daddy and I and says, “Well. You’re gonna need to make your way to the hospital and I’ll meet you there.”
“You will be having your baby today,” she says. “You’re about 3 centimeters dilated. You’re in labor honey.”
Yes, I’m in tears.
Really. Not just in the remembrance of it all, but at that moment–feeling no pain–all the feelings that a first time mother should have…
All the feelings that a person who has waited seven years to feel…
All the “It’s here”–my blessing, my gift, my answered prayer has hit me. Not only am I’m pregnant.
I’m a mommy. I’m having a baby. I’m having my baby. My baby. My son. Exactly as I asked for, a son. Exactly as I asked for, a non-problematic pregnancy. Many women develop gestational diabetes, even if it wasn’t in the family line. My family line is full of diabetes and I myself came real close to being diabetic but God did not let it be. I prayed that nothing would happen in my pregnancy and God honored my prayer and kept disease off both my and your life. My friend developed cancer when she was pregnant–hormones awakening that which was dormant–and died before her son had his first birthday. Yet no cancer had hit my life. God had spared my life and yours. I had mean streaks but all my co-workers, fam and friends spoke of me being one of the sweetest pregnant women they’ve been around. God honored my prayer to help me keep my disposition in check. I ate more food but less/no junk and had only gained about 10lbs in the pregnancy. After delivering you, I weighed less than I did before pregnancy, causing some to be a little jealous. God granted my prayer to not let me get too fat. He heard and he answered.
Now about 9 years later, I am blessed to have you here.
The you that at 2yrs old, would see me crying and leave the t.v. to come to my lap and put your hand on my heart. What child is this you’ve granted unto me Lord?
The you that would hear an altar call in church and ask to walk up there to give your heart to the Lord to live in. Is this the gift the Lord has given unto me?
The you that would hear me and daddy arguing and tell me not to be mad at daddy because he thinks I’m the cats meWow and that daddy is my “Luuuv”.
The you that would sit and look at me and in response to my wanting to know what’s up, you say, “I just love you. That’s it.”
You. Born in the 7th month – God’s perfect timing, my waiting time is complete. If using Jewish timing..
You. Born in the 3rd month – Making you a valuable asset to this family cause a three-fold cord is not easily or quickly broken
You. Being cultivated in what was probably the 10th month – Showing that a new order is in effect, an enhanced way of doing things.
You. Being born in the evening – because stars are more noticed as the world gets darker; did not He call forth the light out of the darkness.
Yes, you are a light and as a star in the heavens do you shine in the earth. Brightening the world around us–enhancing its quality, taking one from average to extraordinary by your wit and charm.
I love you much and with pleasure I say, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to a young man who can conquer the world. No matter how bad things could get in the world around us, I believe God has strategically placed gifts like you in our Earth for people to say –
When we would have given up on all,
Then came you.
When we did not want Truth,
Then came you.
When we were devoid of feelings,
Then came you.
I was empty and broken.
Then came you.
Should you desire a copy of Supernatural Childbirth
Should you be interested in the Power of a Praying Parent
Want some laughs?
Thank you for sharing in this birthday message to my son, with me.
Here’s a copy of a message I posted on another site earlier:
I am elated to have in my presence a young man who has had prophetic word precede his entrance in this world; a young man who has showed charisma from the womb; a young man who was seemingly delayed but would not be denied entrance. Yes, of all the people in the world, I was graced with his presence, his smile, his warmth, his love. It happened about 9 years ago and…wow, I can’t believe it’s been so fast.
I’m honored to have you in my life. I’m humbled to have you remind me to pray. I’m respectful of the gifts you share. I’m encouraged to live stronger because you’re here. I’m elated because I watched you step forward to accept Jesus as your Lord. I’m wrong for not always dealing patiently with you, after all, I haven’t arrived or learned all. I’m saddened to know that you’ll be going off to college in about seven years. Yet, I’m elated to know that you’re remarkable and an honor student and will shine with heaven’s light.
For the times you’ve made me laugh and the times you touched my heart; for the times you made me understanding that being a mother is not a role or a part
I want you to know that I love you more than words can say. As a matter of fact there’s a song I sometimes sing to you that I’ll sing again on this day:
I love you with the love of the Lord.
Yes, I love you with the love of the Lord.
For I see in you, the glory of our King.
Yes I love you with the love of the Lord.
God gave me You. God gave me you.
I am so grateful, God gave Me you.
I am so honored that He, has decided to trust me,
With such a special gift. That gift is you.
Be strong and very courageous. For as God has been with your parents, even more so shall He be with you. You can do all things through Christ who has and will be, yes, He is your strength. The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord lift up His countenance upon you and be gracious unto you; the Lord make His face shine upon you and give you peace. In Jesus’ name. Amen. Happy Birthday my son, my gift, my friend.